Reparenting the Inner Child
by Lia Bermudez
People will often go to counseling after they’ve identified an issue that is recurring and disruptive in their life. Often it affects their emotions, relationships, work, finances, sex life, or other important part of their life. The client will say they want help with the issue, and often this means they want to learn how to do something better. They want to improve their communication, stress management, conflict management, or some other skill that they think will alleviate the problem they’re having.
They’re not wrong. Often there is room for skill, which makes it admirable for an adult to recognize what they’re lacking and seek help.
In counseling with me, the natural progression of the conversation often explores the context of the issue the client is having.
How long have you noticed this?
Does this show up everywhere or only in certain areas of life?
And, famously…
When do you first remember noticing this problem?
This requires the client to think back, and more often than not, the problem originates earlier than they realized. There is usually a person, a pattern, or an interaction in childhood that is easily connected with the current issue. In my experience, this connection is made pretty swiftly, even if the client has never made it before.
Attachment Wounds in Childhood
Young children are a blank slate of sorts. They must learn from their primary caregiver(s) about the world: who they are in it, how to navigate it, how to be safe, what to expect. Some lessons are overtly taught, but most are learned through everyday interactions. Children learn what to say, how to say it, when, and to whom; what is acceptable and what will receive discipline or punishment; how safe it is to express your wants or needs.
No childhood is perfect, as everyone is raised by imperfect caregivers. But each situation is unique, even between children in the same family. Caregiver disposition, along with placement in time, will strongly determine a child’s experience. They move out of childhood with an unwritten rulebook for how to “be” in the world.
When a client presents to counseling and begins answering the question of how far back they remember their issue, they can often pinpoint a place in childhood where dysfunction ruled and ultimately taught them a way of thinking, believing, and being. Sometimes it’s an event; often it’s a relationship. The connection the client makes between the thing in the past and issue in the present shows that what they learned from it no longer serves them in adulthood. A young wife might struggle with telling her husband what she wants or needs because, growing up, this led to yelling in the home and emotional punishment. A middle-aged man might struggle to hear his wife’s grievances because he was often belittled by his alcoholic mother and any negative feedback is construed as an attack.
Even though childhood is over, the wounds sustained by dysfunction are carried by the client into adulthood. They may be overall very functional, even successful. What I have often heard from clients though, is that this part of them that is dysfunctional feels younger. Afraid. Incapable. And this is confusing for clients who know themselves to be otherwise.
In my clinical experience, finding this area of wounding is essential in identifying the inner child and introducing the work of healing that will generalize to the whole self.
Allowing the child to speak
Relational Life Therapy and Internal Family Systems both identify childhood wounding as a version of the childhood self that has been frozen in time. This is a way of explaining why an adult can have a part of themselves that feels young, vulnerable, and lacking in relational skills.
After identifying this childhood self, I invite clients to give that childhood self a chance to speak. This can include an internal dialogue, letter-writing, or journaling to more fully acknowledge the pain that the client is carrying. Some call this “shadow work,” after Jung’s concept of “shadow selves.”
For many clients, this is an emotional stage of growth, as it is often the first time their childhood wounding is given full attention and support. Clients give themselves permission to believe the story they have lived, to have compassion on their younger selves, to grieve more openly.
This is also a first step in healing from these wounds. Clients can delineate between their younger, wounded selves, and their grounded, resourceful, adult selves, and choose to heal from their wounds. From the grief comes empowerment as they gain clarity. Their experiences were real, their pain is valid, and they are not a perpetual victim of their past.
Reparenting
The wounded childhood self that the client identifies often had to go without, both relationally and sometimes tangibly. Caregivers in the client’s memory can range from immature, to preoccupied, to absent, to “just doing the best they could.” These are all valid, and the point in naming this is not to judge or shame the caregiver. Rather, the client deserves to have their pain validated.
In this stage of clinical work, I explain that the childhood self has been taking over in crucial moments due to triggering. Fear of rejection or abandonment has caused the client to act in dysfunctional ways as their childhood self has tried to avoid the same pain they experienced in the past. As part of the integrating work of counseling, I have the adult client speak to their younger self, explaining that the adult will care for the child from now on. The child is shown appreciation and gratitude for their work in trying to keep the client safe. The adult explains to the child that the child does not need to solve the adult’s problems. In fact, the adult would never ask a child to do that, and they are prepared to tap into all of their grown-up resources to take care of themselves.
In this stage, the client may begin to find forgiveness for the caregiver who was responsible for the attachment wounding. They may find that they harbor compassion for that parent who didn’t have a better view of the world to give them. In many cases, the client takes the view that the caregiver was doing the best they could.
These conversations between the adult self and the childhood self are ongoing, and not left merely to crisis moments. In my experience, doing this work in between crucial moments is what makes the crucial moments go differently. I liken it to going to the gym. Working out regularly builds the muscles and stamina that will eventually be called upon in unexpected moments, not to mention the overall day-to-day benefits of self care.
By doing this deeply personal, internal work, clients find that their childhood self is able to heal as they are brought into the present, no longer abandoned to the past, no longer alone with their pain. The loving, attentive, benevolent adult that the child always longed for is now watching over them and caring for them.
Attachment work and couples
I find that clients’ openness to doing work on childhood wounding with their spouse present varies. However, spouses are rarely surprised by the depth and gravity they witness as their significant other does this work in therapy. Spouses will often extend their own compassion and care for the childhood self being discussed. While the decision to do this as part of couples work is deeply personal, and I will defer to the client’s preference and level of comfort, the vulnerability of this work brings spouses into deeper relational intimacy. The appreciation for one another’s pain is evident as they share. Knowing and being known on this level is powerful for the relationship. Respect is deepened, and there is often a renewed effort to adequately address issues within the relationship.
After attachment work
With their newfound healing and integration between the childhood and adult self, the client is often faced with decisions about some relationships moving forward. Often, it is one or two significant relationships in their life that ultimately led to the decision to seek counseling. Once the client has clarity and healing has begun, they begin to notice their needs in those relationships and how they can be met. For many, this means establishing and holding boundaries. For others, it means expressing need and practicing self-advocacy. Prior to getting to know the childhood self, this is not always clear for the client, but it becomes clear as they do the work. Fortunately, the client also connects with their wisdom and resources as they navigate the question of what to do now, rather than reverting to the childhood self who stayed stuck in dysfunction. In my experience, the contrast between the client on day 1 and after they have addressed childhood wounding is stark and inspiring. I often see a calm, clarity, joy, gentleness toward the self, and hope that was missing before.
Individual work vs therapy
I myself have done a lot of self-led healing through internal dialogues, journaling, and self-care. Those who are motivated to become a better version of themselves will find a way, and many will start with individual efforts. These can be powerful and effective.
Many clients who come to me have already done a significant amount of work on their own, and it is admirable to see their devotion to their own care. When they arrive in my office, they have exhausted what they know how to do on their own. Clients who come to counseling get the benefit of another set of eyes on their issues without the baggage. Sometimes the client is just too close to the problem and needs another perspective. A counselor also has many, many repetitions with emotional and relational issues, and is less likely to be stumped by what the client brings to a session. Seeing a therapist, especially one that is committed to ongoing learning and sharpening of their skills, gives a tremendous boost to the healing work you know you deserve.